Adoption

Adoption Year #2: Redefining Family

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Painted Family Rocks to celebrate Ian’s 2nd Family Day
Photo Credit: Proud Mom

November is National Adoption Month, and I thought it might be the perfect time to share an update on our adoption journey. While year one was mostly spent navigating new territory, which made the year both beautiful and overwhelming all at the same time, year two has been spent settling into our new “normal.” For us to get there, we have had to find time for healing and redefining our family. Let me explain…

Ian has the most beautiful mind. He is inquisitive and a big thinker. Every car ride is filled with questions, observations, and more questions. Often one idea bounces to another and yet another. Ian also has endless energy much like a bouncing rubber ball filled with joy, sunshine, and sprinkled with stardust. However, when you put all of this inside of a box like a structured school day or a martial arts lesson, it looks a lot like ADHD. It’s not. 

Ian is excited for his first day of 3rd grade.
Photo Credit: Proud Mom

It is, however, a brain that has experienced trauma from years of living in an institutional setting where all of your basic needs are not always met and from suffering significant losses. Fortunately, the brain can heal and grow. The fancy term for this is neuroplasticity and understanding this growth mindset has been a key component to Ian’s academic success, social-emotional development, and us becoming a family.

How does parenting from a trauma-informed perspective look different? For me, it has been three important approaches:

Ian inspecting shells on the rocky seashore of Maine. Photo Credit: Proud Mom
  1. Creating space. I try to create space for Ian to have some quiet time each day. I try to create space for him to talk about what is on his mind. I try to create space for hurt or angry feelings, and I try to create space for hugs and physical closeness. 
  2. Addressing sensory needs. I try to limit over-stimulating situations, especially if he is tired. I also let Ian know his schedule ahead of time, notifying him of any changes in it, and giving him a heads up on transitions. Additionally, I plan extra time for transitions and always have healthy snacks. I make it a priority that he is hydrated and well-fed. (We all function better when we are not hangry.) I make sure he exercises daily and gets to bed early. In fact, he loves the predictability of his bedtime routine where he gets his clothes out for the next day, takes a shower, and then cuddles while being read a bedtime story.
  3. Advocating for Ian. This is the hardest task for me because it means I have to get into some uncomfortable conversations with people who care about Ian but may not fully understand the complexity of his needs or situation. At home, it may mean changing a family tradition or vacation plans. At school, it might be asking for more services or holding providers accountable. With friends, it might be reminding them that I am Ian’s “real mom” and that his biological mom (a term they need to add to their vocabulary) loved him dearly. 

As the healing has taken place for Ian, we have also been able to focus on redefining who we are as a family. It has meant “Family Meetings” where we problem-solve on issues like chores, teasing each other, or how to get ready for school on time. Some of the redefining even comes in the form of scheduling events together like family movie nights or game nights. And a lot of it has been spending time outside together. Mother Nature has a lot of healing power.

Taking a break during a coastal hike.
Photo Credit: Seth Stratton

For example, in July, we headed to the coast of Maine for a few days of camping. We stayed in tents, built campfires to roast marshmallows, and went on lots of hikes exploring the rocky inlets of Casco Bay. During one of our hikes, we spotted two dozen horseshoe crabs huddled along the shoreline. With closer examination, we realized that they were mating while some lonely crabs were jockeying for a mate. We stood there watching in amazement, wondering about the event, and asking each other questions about what we saw. Later in the evening, we sat on rocks observing seagulls hovering high above craggy ledges with clams in their mouths. They would then drop the clams to crack them on the ledges below and then finally swoop down to grasp the exposed meat in their beaks. We cheered when they were successful and empathized with the gulls who, after much effort, lost their meat to a larger more dominant gull.

Nolan, Caitlin, and Ian crabbing from the dock and roasting marshmallows in Maine.
Photo Credit: Proud Mom

As you can see, this second year has been filled with lots of small moments where we have slowed down to connect, heal, and build something new. We will all admit that what we are building is not perfect and the process is often messy. But… it is us weaving our lives together. It is how we define our family.

Celebrating Family Day 2019
Photo Credit: Brian Marsh Photography

The Unexpected Village Built through Adoption

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When we decided to adopt our son, Ian, we could confidently tell you a few things about him. He was seven. He was living in an orphanage in China, and he had an upper limb difference. We could also tell you that the adoption process was filled with lots of paperwork and tons of waiting. From our adoption classes, speaking with families who had adopted, and the books that we read about the topic, we could tell you with some confidence that there would be difficult times and challenging conversations. However, we never would have told you that we were adopting a village, but we did. Let me explain…

The first photo we ever saw of Ian. Photo Credit: Unknown

First, our adoption agency connected us with other families who had recently adopted or were in the process of adopting from the same orphanage in China. These initial connections became the inner circle of our village where we exchanged tips on paperwork or travel and shared photos from the orphanage. During our time in China, this group was a lifeline for me sending me encouragement and support when I was exhausted physically and emotionally. And over the past 19 months of being home, they have cheered for us during every milestone and shared stories that have helped us piece together Ian’s early years.

Ian and his earliest family from his orphanage in China. Photo Credit: Village Mom

Recently, many families from this group gathered together and eight children who were adopted over the past three years were able to play and laugh together again. I watched in absolute amazement as Ian splashed and swam alongside his earliest “siblings.” The same children, who I had stared at in so many photos from his orphanage, were now in front of me smiling, playing, and being embraced in endless hugs from their families. It was truly an unexpected gift that was only possible through this village.

There are many other unexpected places where our village has grown like the grocery store or doctor’s office. For example, the clerk who witnessed me talking to Ian through Google translate at the checkout during his first trip to a grocery store has become a villager and always asks how he is doing. The nurses who administered six immunization shots at lightning speed during his first visit to the doctor’s office ask for constant updates and celebrate every inch he has grown. Then, there is the team at Shriner’s Hospital who have redefined for Ian what is possible. They cheered and gave him high-fives when he rode his bike through the hallways of the hospital with his new bike hand. All unexpected villagers tied together by one little boy.

Ian at the beginning of his ride through the halls of Shriner’s Hospital Photo Credit: Proud Village Mom

Then, there are Ian’s friends and their families. There’s the family who embraced Ian before he was even home and had him over for his first play date when his main mode of communication was through Google Translate. Another family who played rounds of Connect Four with Ian at their home and laughed as he beat them all. And most recently, the farm family who had Ian over for his first sleepover where he fed the chickens, cared for the horses, and learned how to use a lasso. All of them and so many more have become a part of our unexpected village.

Ian using his new lasso on his friend. Photo Credit: Village Farm Mom

Finally, there is Ian’s village at school where the teachers embrace him with love and support. They take photos or video capturing moments of his first field trip or presentation knowing how important these are to us and Ian’s story. Their eyes fill up with tears at our end-of-year meeting when they discuss Ian’s progress, and they understand my tears as I listen to every report.

I wanted to share our unexpected village with you because it is such a beautiful part of adoption. I thought we would be on our own navigating this journey. Instead in the 21 months that Ian has been in our lives, this little boy has brought an entire village into our hearts, and I am deeply grateful for every single member of it. Believe in the Possible!

Grateful Village Mom and Ian Photo Credit: Deb Hanna Photography

A Few Glimpses into Our Life 17 Months After Adoption

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Here we are nearly 17 months as a family of five and I honestly can’t believe how much we have all changed. Let me give you a few glimpses into our transition…

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Glimpse #1: Going to get ice cream can turn into a conversation about birth moms. Well, at least that is what happened on our car ride to our favorite local creamery. Here is how it all played out…

“I’m just so happy!” Ian shouted from the back seat on the way home from Caitlin’s baseball game.

“Me, too!” I responded as I drove along thinking about how it was almost Friday and that I had nearly made it to the weekend.

With even more excitement, Ian shouted, “I’m so happy, I want to see my birth mom!”

My mouth dropped and I looked in the review mirror to see a huge smile on Ian’s face, just as Caitlin turned around from the passenger seat to face Ian and stated empathetically,

“You can’t. She might be dead. And China is a really a big country, I doubt we could even find her.”

WAITTT!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!?!?! Let me get this straight, Ian wants to see his birth mom because he is so happy that we are getting ice cream. Not how I had imagined the topic would arise. And now…Caitlin is telling him that he can’t because…ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

I thought about all the situations and topics covered in the adoption books I read or the classes I had taken. Nope, not one covered ice cream happiness and birth moms. So what do I do?!?!?! All I could do…breathe. I took a really slow… deep…breath.

“Ian, I want you to meet your birth mom some day and I promise you that I will try to help you find her.”

“Caitlin’s right. She might be dead,” Ian stated sadly.

“If she is, I will help you with that too. All I know right now is that I am your everyday mom, and I am so lucky because I get to love and hug you every day.”

Glimpse #2: Watching Ian do flips in the water can teach me lessons about life.

In January, we went to Mexico on our first family vacation. The warmth and sunshine was a wonderful escape from the harsh cold New England winter. Everyone’s favorite activity was playing in the pools. Ian loved learning to do flips in the water and was working hard to perfect this new skill.

“Mom, watch me do three flips!”

I stood poolside in amazement as Ian fluidly and effortlessly completed three backward flips in a row under the water- A TRIPLE FLIP! I honestly couldn’t believe it. Why so amazed? Well, to start Ian had learned to swim only six months earlier, and he never had a formal swim lesson in his life.

I asked him to do it again so I could film it. Here it is:

Can you feel the joy?

Later that night, I’ve watched the video over and over again. Then, I realized that with each backward flip Ian was teaching me a lesson.

  • Flip #1: Let go! Just let go and let life happen.
  • Flip #2: Have hope. No matter where we start, there is always hope that we can do more and be more.
  • Flip #3: Believe in your own potential. The only limitation is your mindset.

Glimpse #3: Love is powerful.

With Ian in our lives for 17 months, we laugh harder, say ‘I love you’ more, and take simple things for granted less. Ian has shown us that when you let love into your life, joy follows. Yes, there are unexpected hard moments that make you grow in ways you never thought possible but that’s life. So, let the love in!

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Learning to Fly

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Learning to Fly: A Lesson Learned by Jen Stratton

Mom, I have a question.”

This is how most conversations start with Ian. His questions range from “Mom, how did we get our last name?” to “Mom, do you know what superpower I want to have?” Most of the questions occur in our minivan as I race around after work driving kids to basketball practice, picking up a rotisserie chicken at the grocery store for dinner, and thinking about those work emails that I should return.

On this quieter Monday afternoon, I was headed to the library with Ian and Caitlin to drop off books that were due when Ian announced from the back, “Mom, I have a question.”

“Yes,” I responded.

“Do you think I can be a pilot in the military?”

I pause. I think about the military and their physical requirements to join. I think about how one learns to fly. I think about Ian’s limb difference. I also think that I am really tired, that I didn’t have my afternoon tea, and I really don’t know the answer to this question. So, I sigh and say…

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“Well, I don’t know. The military has special rules about becoming a pilot and I am not sure if they would let you.” I pause and sigh again. Then, I add the words that make my shoulders sag and my heart ache.

“I am not sure if they let people with limb differences learn to fly.”

Silence.

“I think you’re wrong, Mom,” Caitlin states breaking the silence as she looks at me with disgust. “I think anyone can learn to fly.”

“Maybe,” I reply feeling exhausted. Exhausted because this territory of raising children with exceptionalities never lets you retreat. Exhausted because fear seeps into every crevice of your life leaving you questioning your actions, worrying about their future, and so wishing you had time for a comforting afternoon tea.

The discussion ends abruptly when I pull into a parking spot in front of the library. Distracted by the idea of picking out new books, Ian and Caitlin jump out of the van and run into the library. I walk slowly behind them wishing I had better answers for his questions.

7 books, 1 cup of tea, and 2 cookies later, back at home I hear a ding.  I ignore it and keep typing my response to a work email. Then Caitlin appears, standing over me at the end of the couch, she asks, “Did you see what I sent you?”

“No. I will in a minute.” Intrigued because Caitlin rarely sends messages from her iPad, I set my laptop down and look at my message. Here is what she sent:

See, Mom, Ian can learn to fly.

I have never loved Caitlin’s YouTube watching more. Jessica Cox, I have never loved being wrong more. Lastly, I have never been more proud of my kids and how they see the world! I hope they learn to fly and prove me wrong over and over again.

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When I took this photo, I thought I was capturing a moment of summertime joy. Now, I realize what they were trying to tell me. Ian was shouting, “Mom, Never doubt me!” Caitlin was growling, “Mom, I am more fierce than you ever imagined.” And, Nolan was sighing, “Mom, when will you ever learn? Trust us. We can do anything.”

How Long Did It Take?

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Typically, when I engage in a conversation about the adoption of my youngest son, Ian, I am eventually asked, “How long did it take?” Since November is Adoption Awareness Month, I thought I would finally answer this question honestly. So here is my raw, unfiltered answer:

How Long Did It Take? Our Adoption Story by Jen Stratton

It took a lifetime to adopt Ian.

It took a lifetime because…

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It took falling in love with a man who embraced the idea of creating a family in whatever ways we were blessed.

It took having two challenging pregnancies filled with moments that terrified me. 

It took two premature deliveries, a stay in the intensive care nursery, and an ambulance ride with a newborn.

It took dreaming of having a third child.

It took being told we weren’t ready to adopt a sweet little girl from Korea.

It took tears and heartbreak as I recycled the paperwork confirming our failure.

It took a move to a new town.

It took a prayer in the quiet of the morning.

It took the courage to open my heart and an email.

It took a long Sunday walk with my husband.

It took talking with our son and daughter about a little boy with a limb difference across the world in need of a family.

It took my daughter saying, “We need to be his family. We know he can do anything.”

It took a nerve-wracking phone call to the adoption agency.

It took sharing this very personal dream with close friends to get our initial three letters of reference.

It took letters from our police department, our employers, and our doctors just to start.

It took ensuring every document was properly notarized.

It took trusting the UPS service representative with our life and dream in an envelope.

It took waiting and waiting.

It took getting a US seal on every document.

It took more waiting.

It took a code from the US consulate.

It took a visa from China.

It took a 16-hour flight over the top of the world.

It took sleepless nights.

It took courage and faith in the power of love.

It took a door to open and a little boy to walk through it.

It took the tears of the nannies who loved him for the first seven years of his life.

It took the incredible love of his birth mother.

So how long did it take? It took a lifetime. It also took the most intense love I have ever felt.

However, if you ask, I will simply smile and say, “It took some time…about a year.”

But please know, adoption is the journey of a lifetime.

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The Why

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Nick Springer, two-time wheelchair rugby Paralympian. This photo and Caitlin’s experience with it was why I started writing. Photo Credit: Vanity Fair

When I started this blog, I thought I knew why I was writing. My “Why?” was to raise awareness about athletes of all abilities. It was to share the incredible sports stories of what is possible when we redefine ability. My plan was to change people’s lives by changing how they viewed the world. My “Why?” was never intended to change me, my life, and how I viewed the world, but it has. And now, my blog must change…evolve to include this new perspective.

It seems a natural entry point for this new additional focus of the blog to be the answer to this question: Why did you adopt? I know many people have wondered “Why?”, however, only a few people have actually asked me about the decision. It’s the elephant in the room. For many, it didn’t seem to make sense. We had two beautiful healthy children, one boy, and one girl. We had successful careers, a nice home, etc. It appeared we had achieved the American Dream.

So “Why?” Well, the answer is easy because we were fulfilled and we realized that our dream was different. Our dream included finding a meaningful way to share our life, our children, our home, and our love. So, because we had two beautiful children, a home filled with love, careers and so much more, we decided to open our hearts to adopting an older child.

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Here is the photo of Ian’s smiling face from the email that changed my “Why.”

I know. This answer leads to the next question. “Why Ian?” Another easy answer. “The Universe.” Yup, you heard me, the Universe is responsible for Ian joining our family. Don’t believe me?  Then, how else do you explain that when you randomly open an email about a boy from China in need of a family he has the same birthday as your oldest son?  How else do you explain that as you read the description of this little seven-year-old boy he sounds like a perfect combination of the children already in your home? How do you explain that when you continue reading you learn he has an upper limb difference and you have spent the last two years hosting a blog on athletes with physical exceptionalities? Not the Universe? Then, tell me…Why else would you cry and talk to a computer screen saying, “I think we are your family,” when you learn that he has been asking the nannies in his orphanage to find a family for him? Why else would your heart literally burst with love when you look at the smiling face of this little boy who lives halfway across the world? I’m telling you… the Universe built my family. Sometimes, things are bigger than just you and you need to simply embrace it.

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Here is my family built by love, hope, and the Universe. Photo Credit: Deb Hanna Photography

So there you have it, the start of my new “Why?” and adventure in blogging about adoption. Before I go, I do have a few people to thank. Laurie, thank you for helping me give myself the permission to share the stories that I am scared to write. Brene Brown, Anne Lamott, Glennon Doyle, and Elizabeth Gilbert, thank you for honestly sharing your stories and leading the way in living a heartstrong life. Your writings give me the courage to share my own. Seth, thank you for walking this life’s journey with me. Nolan, Caitlin, and Ian, thank you for giving me the courage to be your mom. Readers, thank you for your support. I hope you enjoy this new addition to my blog. If you have any thoughts, stories or ideas to share, please let me know.

Keep Believing in the Possible!

Jen

 

Riding the Waves with AmpSurf

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We heard about AmpSurf from a neighbor the summer before Ian joined our family. When she told me about their offerings, I couldn’t help but think that it was a little bit of fate. You see, AmpSurf is a non-profit organization that offers free adaptive surfing clinics to amputees on both the east and west coasts of the US, and they host one in Maine where we love to spend the summer months.

During a snowy January day, I registered for the August clinic hoping he would come to love the cold waters of Maine. Eight months later, after learning to swim and armed with a cozy black wetsuit, Ian was eager to try out a sport that his big sister loves.

The morning started with a warm welcome and an announcement that the best surfer on the beach is the one with the biggest smile. Caitlin leaned over to me and whispered, “I think that will be Ian.” The announcements were then followed by some dry land instruction on a wobble board and safety tips.  Then, in heats, each surfer clad in a brightly colored AmpSurf shirt hit the waves with their team. A team consisted of one surf instructor and four water volunteers who guided participants on their ride into the beach.

Ian was in the green heat and his instructor was Steve. He told us he was determined to stand up, and on his first wave, he DID. In fact, on every wave, he popped up and got into his best surfing stance. He did have one big wipe out, but a volunteer was right there and scooped him out of the water quickly. Then, in full Ian fashion, he stood up proudly and with a huge smile on his faced waved to us.

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Ian catching his first wave with AmpSurf with the help of Steve and his team of volunteers. Photo Credit: Proud Mom

As Caitlin, Nolan, and I watched Ian surf from the shoreline, we jumped, shouted, and cheered for him. There were even a few proud Momma tears. I just couldn’t believe how far my little boy had come! One volunteer working with Ian ran up and said to us, “I am not sure who had more joy on their face, Ian or all of you. This is just so beautiful!”

And it was beautiful, all of it. Even Ian agreed. On the car ride home, when I asked him what he thought of the AmpSurf clinic, he said, “Mom, it was beautiful.”

Surprised by his response, I asked, “Why? What made it beautiful?”

“It was so beautiful to see all of those people surfing. Some had one leg. Some were missing two legs, but everyone got to surf. Everyone got to have fun.”

Thank you AmpSurf for providing Ian, our family, and all of the participants with an incredible morning! We are already looking forward to next year!

If you are interested in learning more about AmpSurf, donating, or volunteering, please contact them at surf@ampsurf.org.

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Ian waiting for his turn with Caitlin and Nolan as the blue heat heads out into the waves. Photo Credit: Mom

 

F is for February, Family of Five & So Much More…

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F is for February, and it is a special time in the Stratton household. We have officially been a family of five for a total of four months. It hasn’t been an easy four months, but it has been filled with many unexpected beautiful moments. I thought I would share a few of them with you.

  1. F is for fierce. Ian really wanted to climb the rock wall at school. Caitlin thought about how he could use his prosthesis and engaged Ian in an at-home “coaching” session. She created various exercises and pushed him hard. He listened and tried his best.  By the end of their training session, Ian had figured out how to hang from the rings with his prosthesis. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend hanging rings in the basement with a cement floor and only a small foam mat beneath, but watching their teamwork and Ian’s perseverance was worth the risk.IMG_2108
  2. F is for fun. We are fortunate to live in New England and to have a large yard with a decent size slope for sledding. With the three of them packed into a plastic sled, Ian literally squealed with delight as he zoomed down the hill for the first time. He is still working on stopping before hitting the old stone wall, but luckily his older siblings are helping out with that important step. IMG_1997
  3. F is for friendship. Ian has enjoyed celebrating new holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, he could hardly contain his excitement to share his culture and language with his friends at school during the Chinese New Year. It was simply beautiful to witness how his peers embraced the many traditions associated with the holiday and then how they challenged themselves to write in Mandarin on their red paper lanterns. As they struggled and asked him for help, I could feel their respect for Ian and his journey deepen. IMG_1717
  4. F is for forts. Nolan, Caitlin, and Ian are a remarkable trio. Their energy and creativity are endless. As oldest, Nolan is typically the leader and delegates jobs. Caitlin is the creative one whose out-of-the-box thinking generates new ideas for the group. While Ian is the eager little brother who usually gets sent on every less desirable job. Building forts whether inside or outside is one of their favorite group activities.IMG_2237
  5. F is also for fighting, but I won’t share any of those sibling stories. Just like in any family, brothers and sisters don’t always get along and I’m sure you know what that looks and sounds like. So there is plenty of bickering in the house or the car, but those less than beautiful moments have taught Ian the most important lessons about our family: Love in our family is endless, and our family of five is forever.

So there you have it, five moments that give you a glimpse of our journey as a family. Hope you take time this February to have fun and to reflect on your own family moments.

Believe in the Possible,

Jen

 

Day 50: ‘Tis the Season for Exhausting Joy

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It has been 50 days since Ian came into my life. It has been 50 days filled with incredible life-changing moments, and the journey is exhausting. But, it is not exhausting because Ian is a difficult child or the transition is not going well. In fact, Ian is the most remarkable little boy I have ever met, and he is transitioning beautifully into his new life. It is not exhausting because I am not sleeping. Actually, I crash early every night and sleep like a baby getting at least 7-8 hours. The exhaustion comes from the most unexpected place- from all the JOY. Yes, JOY! I had no idea JOY could be so difficult.

You see… I have learned that with life’s moments of joy comes heartbreak at exactly the same time. Lately, my heart and head are constantly split in two. Here are some of the ordinary moments filled with joy and heartbreak that have occurred in just the past two months:

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Ian at his first doctor’s appointment. Photo Credit: Mom

1a. Ian went to the doctor’s for his first physical and he was a trooper. Every nurse eagerly came in to meet him.

I was so proud of my new son that I thought I was going to cry.

1b. Ian went to the doctor for his first physical, and I had to write NA or Don’t Know on three pages of the medical history form.

I was so empty that I thought I might make up answers in the future.

2a. Ian went to the grocery store for the first time in his life. He was in awe of all the food. He hugged and kissed me when I let him pick out a mechanical Batman toothbrush.

I was so excited for the small things in life that I bought two gallons of ice cream to celebrate.

2b. Ian went to the grocery store for the first time in his life. In aisle 10 he stopped me because our cart was full and he wondered how we would pay for all our food. I bent down looked him in the eyes and assured him that he would always have enough food to eat in our home.

I was so grateful for the small things in life that I turned up the radio and cried as I drove home from the grocery store with him sitting in the back seat holding his Batman toothbrush.

3a. Ian went on his first flight and gazed out the window wondering if the plane could park on the clouds.

I was in such awe of seeing him soaking in the vastness of the world below that I thanked the Heavens above.

3b. Ian went on his first flight, and it was to leave behind everything he knew for the first seven years of his life.

I was in such shock over his incredible loss that I couldn’t cry.

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Ian with his two coins from the Tooth Fairy. Photo Credit: Mom

4a. Ian lost his second tooth and carefully inspected the little bloody indentation in his gums. Then, he left the tooth under his pillow, and the tooth fairy visited him leaving two coins behind.

I was so squeamish that I just let Seth and the tooth fairy to deal with it.

4b. Ian lost his second tooth, and his sister helped him write a letter to the tooth fairy. They explained that he had lost a tooth in China, but the tooth fairy never came.

I was so happy to see his smiling face in the morning that I captured it in a photo with him showing off his two shiny coins from the tooth fairy.

In the past 50 days, Ian has experienced more “firsts” than most people do in a lifetime. During this entire time, Ian has exhibited incredible resilience and courage. However, it is his JOY for life that truly amazes me. It is his JOY that gives me the energy and strength to cherish every moment of this totally exhausting journey. 

Hope you feel the exhausting JOY of the season find JOY in the ordinary moments!

Jen

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